Zachary...

Almost 4 years ago, Cadenne was born. Almost 4 years ago, Zachary was 20 months old... a baby who developmentally was learning how to trust the grown-ups in his life. Almost 4 years ago, his parents were suddenly practically non-existent in his life. Comparatively. I mean, he visited us at the Ronald McDonald house, and we were at times able to come home and spend time with the kids. But life as he knew it was turned completely upside down. He was used to a mother who was with him all the time. He was a real "mama's boy." His little smile would light up the room. He was a truly happy child.

Something shifted soon after we brought Cadenne home from the hospital. He was fussy and discontented. His sweet little personality was somehow altered, and it pains me to admit that I didn't notice it at the time. It is only in retrospect that I realized just when the change took place.

He has never ever recovered. This past summer, we figured out that he has severe trust issues. It is really hard to describe exactly what he is going through, but I can give an example. This past summer, we were preparing to go on a camping trip. We had the kids all excited about it... We had talked about it for weeks, planned meals, purchased supplies, and packed everything up. Literally, everything was piled up in our living room. When the kids went to bed the night before, we reminded them that we were going to leave for camping first thing in the morning. Well, the next morning, Zach came running into our room excitedly, asking, "Are we going camping today?" (Here I should mention that we are very much the joking family... we tease the kids good-naturedly and we all have fun with it.) In reply, I said, "Nah... We decided not to go. Maybe next week." I am not kidding when I say that the poor little boy BURST into tears. Unconsolable. It was at that moment that I realized what we were dealing with.

Sometimes this manifests as disappointing tears. Sometimes it manifiests as vein popping fits of anger, when even HE doesn't know why he's upset. Honestly I find the behavior frustrating. This is very different than anything I've ever had to deal with as a parent. But beyond the frustration with the behavior, I am really sad at the idea that we are in some way the cause of this. He probably felt abandoned all those weeks during the time when he was supposed to be developing trust in those who are supposed to love him most.

Logically I know that I did what I had to do. Which baby needed me more? I had no choice but to be with Cadenne. I knew the statistics... that NICU babies with parents by their sides had a better chance at life. It was a hard choice even at the time. I missed the other kids immensely, but not being able to drive, (due to my seizure) I was pretty much tied to the Ronald McDonald house 45 minutes away.

I just never thought that 4 years later, Zachary would still be suffering from it.

This morning was rough. He worked himself up in to a frenzy because his bed didn't look perfect. I told him that it looked fine, and that he needed to finish getting ready for school. I can't even describe how angry he was. I even had to send the two older girls on ahead because he just was too out of control to walk to school. We eventually calmed him down and prayed with him, and by the time he got to school, he was his little happy-go-lucky self. It is crazy how quickly his moods swing!

I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to grant us wisdom as we learn how best to help Zachary through this and learn to trust us again. I want my little boy to know that I love him unconditionally and that he can't do anything to change that. I want him to grow up knowing that he is safe and secure... that though we may fail him as parents at times, that Jesus will never fail him.

Zachary, I have made and will continue to make mistakes along the way. But Mama loves you. Please never, ever doubt that.